Thursday, April 1, 2010

I must love my dad, or I wouldn't have done something so stupid.

Prepare for a lot of swearing....

This post started out as a kind of tribute to my dad, and I'll give you a little background on it, but then I'm going to let my girl Ginny take over on the telling of the story, because, frankly, I think I've got some kind of post traumatic stress blocking it from my memory....

See, my dad comes from a good Catholic family with 13 siblings (that's right, my grandma had 14 kids. She's my hero.) As you can imagine, she had to be creative when it came to feeding the family, particularly during Lent, when she couldn't serve meat. My dad has told my sister and I many times about the things he used to eat on Fridays in Lent, and recently I decided that I needed to do a post about his special little sandwiches that I've been hearing about my whole life. The first was Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise on white bread. Ok, nothing too weird there. The second one was Cheez Whiz with olives. Interesting...I'm open minded, and willing to give it a try. And finally, the one that defies explanation....Limburger and Onion on Pumpernickel. Where they came up with this one, I have no idea, but my dad tells me that he and his co-worker used to pack these to eat on Fridays in Lent. To say the least, I had a hard time imagining anyone wanting to eat this, let alone two people together...although I have to say that much like garlicky foods, eating it WITH someone else is the only way to do it.

So, I gathered the collective ingredients and prepared for the event.

And here, my dear readers, is where I must leave you. Ginny will be taking over the telling of the adventure that was my dad's sandwiches, as she can remember it much more clearly than I can at this point.

Hi everyone! It's me Ginny. Before I start telling this story, I have to give a short disclaimer. There WILL be profanity in this post. You may, in fact, learn words you never knew could come out of Beth's mouth.

So, as you can imagine, if you know Beth at all, she put off working on this post for quite awhile, just never quite getting around to doing it until her ingredients were all approaching their respective expiration dates. She had every intention of taking the supplies with her to Baltimore and making it a family event, but thankfully she didn't, since everyone in the house ended up with the stomach flu during that visit, and you'll understand why that makes a difference in a minute. She even brought the stuff to my house, and I'm not sure, but I think I'm glad we didn't get to it here. I say that only because it may have been funnier in person (although I don't know how).

After having a crazy couple of days this weekend, and several hours at a 5-year-old's birthday party; she was exhausted, but determined to cross this one off her list. So, naturally, she called me for moral support, as she often does when she is about to cook something she thinks is going to be monumental in one way or another. After setting the scene, and her work space; she dialed me up and put me on speaker before clipping the phone to its place above the counter so I could "observe" the proceedings.

It all began innocently enough....starting small with the peanut butter and mayo (By the way, her original intention was to "dress up" her dad's sammies, giving them a new look from the new generation, so to speak. So, she designed them as different sorts of tea sandwiches, as you'll see in the final picture). Moving on from there, she started slicing olives and assembling a double-decker version of the Cheez Whiz and Olive. Saving the "best" for last, she began tearing open the package of Limburger. And that's when all hell broke loose. Its really a shame Beth didn't have the foresight to record the actual event, as I cannot possibly do justice to the humor that ensued (at least, it was humorous to me...not so much to Beth).

Beth: oh my is SUPPOSED to look like that? OH! Sweet Mother!!! What is that SMELL???
Me: *smiling patiently* THAT would be LIMBURGER.
Beth: it supposed to have that funky-assed coating on it? I mean....GROSS!
Me: *chuckling*
Beth: Really though, its not the hell are you supposed to know when this shit has gone bad??? Oh MAN! What the hell!!!
Me: *laughing now*
Beth: Ok, I don't care if its supposed to be on there or not, I'm cutting that nasty shit off...ohmigod...that is disgusting....who the hell would think it was a good idea to eat this???
Me: Yeah, I remember my granddad eating that when I was a kid and I had to leave the room...
Beth: SERIOUSLY!!! Oh damn....after this is over, I am throwing the rest of this away...I don't care that this little chunk cost $5...and why the hell is it expensive???
Me: (keep in mind, we both LOVE stinky cheeses...but still) *full on snort-laughing*
Beth: Ok, I'm just going to make the sandwich and be done....oh holy smells like FEET!!!
Me: Or like ass....
Beth: I would say that but I think my ass would be offended!!! *gag* oh hell...I don't know if I can do this...
Me: *uncontrollable laughter*
Beth: You think this is funny? Be glad we didn't manage to get this done at YOUR house last weekend!!!
Me: *thanking God we managed to put that off too long to get it done at my house*
Beth: I don't think I'm going to be able to try this....I'm going to have to change the title of the post to "Dad, I apologize".... OH!! GODDAMN!!! I think it just bit me!!! Ugh...*gagging* I have to wash my hands...
Me: *uncontrollable laughter* (egging the situation on...) Seriously, you're going to make it, and not try it? That hardly seems fair.
Beth: I think its contaminating the other sandwiches.....OMG I am so throwing this stuff away, but I'm either going to have to take the trash out or seal it in a Ziploc....I cant leave this stench in my house...OHMIGOD!!! I licked my finger!!! Dammit!!!
**rustling noise as she grabs a Ziploc**
Beth: Oh CRAP!!! That just effing figures! I try dumping it from the garbage bowl into the bag and most of it ended up on the floor!!! Ewwww now I'm going to have to wash the I have to touch it again!
**carefully picking the waste up off the floor, nose running**
Me: *laughing so hard I'm barely breathing*
Beth: Ok, its done...I'm gonna wash my hands again and take pictures so I can throw the rest of this shit away....
Me: *can't breathe...laughing so hard*
Beth: *pause* Ok, I washed my hands....*click* *click*...*taking pictures* That's it, I can't stand it anymore....ok, just so I can say I did it and before I can change my mind, I'm going to take a bite...I have a full beer here to wash it down with....
**dramatic pause**
Beth: Damn...I was just getting ready to say it isn't as bad as it smells.....but its growing....oh hell...where's the beer???
Me: Didn't you learn anything from wine tasting? Start with the mild ones and work your way up! Why didn't you start with the peanut butter ones???
Beth: I figured I'd need something to help wash the taste away... oh hell...I can't believe I did that...*cough* it just won't go away....
**chucking rest of sammie into Ziploc bag and re-washing hands**
Beth: Ok, I can at least say I did it, but damn...I don't know what the hell I was thinking....WHY WOULD PEOPLE EAT THAT??? I mean, I barely tasted that and they used to eat whole sandwiches of it!!! SHIT! I licked my finger again!!!! I WASHED MY HANDS, how can it still be there?!! Me: *ROFLMFAO*
Beth: Ohmigod...its in a Ziploc and I'm still gonna have to take the trash out...I think its trying to eat its way out of the bag....okay, I have to wash these dishes before the nasty shit grows legs and wanders off....I'll call you back....

And THAT, is how Beth learned what Limburger is. I really wish you could have been stomach hurt from laughing....if we had that on video we could have won some serious money on America's Funniest. From what she tells me, not only is the smell STILL on her fingers, but at some point during the night last night, she woke up and swears there was a little green swirl of stink lingering over her bed, laughing at her....

Ok, its me again....I have to say, I'm really glad Ginny was on the phone to tell the story, because I have blocked out the entire event. Dad, I apologize, I love you....but damn. We must have a little bit of "crazy" in the family, because I don't know how you ever ate that once, let alone repeatedly, and lived to tell the tale...

On the upside, I actually kind of liked the Cheez Whiz and Olive sandwich. The peanut butter and mayo was fine, nothing too exciting either way there.

So folks, there it is. My Lenten tribute to my dad, who I do love dearly, but never....EVER....will I do something like that for him again. Trust me on this one....My kitchen will never be the same....I think its still mad at me. I'm going to have to burn candles every day for the next month to make up for it.

And just so I can prove it actually happened, here are the pictures.

And no, if you're wondering....this is NOT an exaggeration....its a cautionary tale....learn from my mistakes....please....


NV said...

OK, that was hilarious! And the whole time I'm picturing the Three Stooges in the background with Curly yelling, "Moe, Larry -- the cheese!" And then his final assessment after they cram his mouth full: "NO! Limboyguh!" :-)

Krista said...

You definitely had me laughing! Definitely no Limburger cheese in my future. Ick. On the other hand, I only eat my BLT's with mayo AND peanut butter...just like my mom and her mom before her. PB and Mayo must be a thing from another generation.

Hope the smell finally left your house. : )